The Awesome Power of an Apology
It took me a while, but I “think” I understand what I’m apologizing for…
A few months back, I caused someone I’ve known for years pain. So much so, that they blocked my number and social accounts. I never intend to cause ANYone pain, but it happened. It was a text conversation and text messages are a terrible place to talk about emotional subjects.
Uhhhh maybe you should have just called him on the phone?
That would have probably avoided all the mess, Snarky Voice In My Head, but at the time, I just couldn’t. I was tired and angry and I really didn’t want to talk to anybody, let alone someone who was also tired and angry. I could tell that I probably needed to talk to him and smooth things out, but I was angry at him for sending me something that offended me, and I didn’t really know why I needed to apologize.
What do you mean you “didn’t know why”??
The most important “rule” for apologizing is to know WHAT you are apologizing for. Simply telling someone “I’m sorry” doesn’t really help to heal the rift. The words don’t mean anything unless they’re backed up with understanding. In the moment when something happens, you might not realize you’ve hurt someone. If someone you’ve known for a while flies off the handle at you, it’s “usually” not for no reason at all.
Hmmmmmmm… soooooo what did you do?
I’ll get into more detail down below, but in short, I left him hanging. I didn’t respond to his messages for a few days, and when I did, I wasn’t “my best self”.
Ohhhhhh dang… that’s not like you at all… WTF?
This might be shocking for some to hear, but I do NOT have my shit together. It might seem like that from the outside... “Beautiful wife, amazing son, lives in Bend, Oregon, spends his days animating, writing, skiing or biking… Rob’s got it going on!”
Uhhhhh dude, I live in your head… trust me, you’re a mess.
Thanks for that insightful comment Snarky. I can always count on you to “keep it real” as the kids say.
As my ever-present companion revealed, I am, like most humans, a mess. Literally every single day, I’m grappling with SOMEthing. I have it very very good, so most things I’m dealing with are trivial…
How am I going bald when my nose hair grows so fast?
Who left the light on? Don’t you know electricity costs money?
OMG we’re out of cat treats… Bootsy will murder me in my sleep without them!
Other things are definitely NOT trivial.
The planet is getting warmer every year. Will there be water here in Central Oregon?
People don’t talk to each other about important issues. How will we have a stable society?
I still need to work for another 10 to 20 years. What the hell am I going to do?
Every day, like most humans, I get out of bed, and I try to deal with the trivial and non-trivial. Some days I’m good at prioritizing and organizing the jumble of emotions and other days I’m a slowly dissolving puddle of goo barely holding it together.
When this person I pissed off started the conversation that led to this mess, he caught me on one of those dissolving puddle of goo days, and I was not my “best self” as the personal growth gurus tell us to strive for.
Although we don’t talk often enough, I’ve known him for many years, and we’ve had a lot of interesting conversations about social and political issues. I really enjoy conversations about challenging topics, but this time I wasn’t in the right space to think about the YouTube video he sent me.
Without going into the subject, it was deeply offending to me on multiple levels, and I let him know that I would not be watching it and exactly why I wouldn’t be watching it.
Uhhhhh dude, you were kind of a dick.
Yeah… I can’t argue that one. I’m supposed to be this thoughtful, open-minded conversationalist, but the video reeeeeeally made me angry, and I just didn’t have the mental capacity to deal with that issue right then. I have too many things I’m working on myself, and I really didn’t want to go there. I’m paraphrasing, but my response sounded kinda like this…
“Dude, this idea is bullshit. I understand why you might be susceptible to this ridiculous theory, but the people behind it are preying on you to get views and radicalize people who have experienced the kind of trauma you’ve been through.”
Dayyyyyyym… That WAS condescending.
Again… I can’t argue that one, Snarky. This guy has been through and is still going through some serious NON-trivial shit and he was reaching out to talk about that shit, and I shit on him because I’m dealing with my own shit.
That’s a lot of shit…
Thank you Snarky, I think they get it. The bottom line is that I should have recognized he needed to talk about some stuff, but I couldn’t get past my own issues to hear what he needed.
Sooooo… why didn’t you just tell him that?
I should have done that, but at the time, I didn’t want to have a voice conversation with him (because I didn’t have the capacity for it) so I stuck to text messages, and that did not go well.
What I should have said was…
“Hey man, I know this issue is important to you, but I don’t have the space to talk about it right now. Give me some time to get through this phase and we can talk more.”
My condescending rebuff sent him to a dark place and he’s completely blocked me out. Blocked my phone and email, blocked me on Facebook, blocked me on Instagram… I can’t even see his posts past the date that he blocked me.
I have a side channel I’m going to try, but I’m hoping that he’ll see this somehow, and that he’ll be in a place where he can hear my apology…
I’m sorry I didn’t have the space to hear you, and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that right up front.
When you’re ready… call me.
